prooooooooooobably not.

actually when i finally fell asleep i wanted to stop thinking about something, or at least to try to stop a mental thing that i've been doing lately and i don't hink it's a good thing.
so i finally get to sleep and it's like, i really want this thing and i wrestle in a shallow lake with someone who kinda drowns me (he's the devil) and right before i die he lets me go and says something kinda cryptic...i go to this old guy and the thing i want is like, this position in some program, something where i'm filling out paperwork and realize that the old man is like, already in. and I think wow this would be so great for me and my 'boyfriend' I'll be so set and but this guy who almost drowned me was so close to me. and what he said was so close. he dumped me onto another side of the pool where what he said turned into paper which turned into a pile of frogs that swam away. I was looking for the old man I was going to replace. and, not really sure of the game I kinda just swam around, laid low when i saw lights flashing and a man walking around in the upper areas of this building. it got lighter and i found my boyfriend and didn't tell him everything that happened. was really ashamed. the old man i was going to replace was dead. he'd been killed in the night while I was sitting around watching the lights. he was killed like, by the lights, by no one else being there. by me being not there. but there was no body; just his younger family wanting to know where he was. we go wading waist deep in the same water, I remember where he should be (almost outsmarting the drowning man) but before we can reach the place, he falls out of the tree boughs above us, above that spot and lands onto the pavement. already dead. lift him up and realize that his wife is still upstairs and maybe alive so she needs to be reached. i'm no longer the protagonist, no longer the 'hero' saving people, that's now some guy. we all (hero, his girlfriend, his little kid sister, me) all go up this building and climb the twirling staircase to where she may be. she's not there and we have to go looking for her. while the hero starts yelling, his little kid sister walks away from us and disappears. i know this because i was the only one who saw her leave the group. hero realizes and starts climbing down the staircase furiously to reach her. i imagine what would happen if the little girl falls on top of him while he's still climbing down to save her; maybe he'll not be strong enough to save her, maybe he'll totally break her fall and she'll shove his head into the wall of the staircase which is now more like a well i guess and he'll be the one who dies. halfway down his girlfriend gets heroic and starts climbing down after him so that she can help him catch her. we're all certain that his little sister is gonna be found having fallen. there are two staircases like this, one on each end of the pool. i get downstairs to the other one. the other one has a wider edge that leads into the water and a small fence like you'd see on the edges of mountain roads to keep the cars inside; that fence has about a ten foot gap in it for people to enter and exit the water. hero and his girlfriend are on the other side. we're absolutely certain that we have to be on the lookout for what the drowning man/devil is going to do that we're not paying attention to and that it's about the little girl being killed. at the edge of the pool, before the fence, perhaps only visible from the waist or so up, with four maybe five men in business suits that all look the same on his right and his left, is rudy guiliani in "9-11" garb. dirt, sooty suits, yellow plastic hard hats. he's laughing. not laughing, he's smiling. not like something funny was just said or seen, but like he's laughing at something incredibly inappropriate, like he's a filthy kid. the kid sister falls out of the sky. the hero and his girlfriend were basically trying to call out for her. i was looking at the edge of the fence when what looked like a ragdoll fell out of the sky, hits her head at a bad angle on the fence and lays facedown onto the ground. i reach the scene before the hero does, but while i'm screaming and crying "my baby" which is what the hero is meaning to say, i can see the face of guiliani and he's so laughing at what just happened. and i start to think about how i'm in the middle of a stephen king novel and i don't like stephen king novels and haven't read any since i was in the eighth grade for a reason, the reason being that the endings were all the same, the meat of the books were so gory, and movies were so cheesey. but so obvious. i ponder how lame the little girl looked when she fell, as is someone just tossed a raggedy ann doll onto a miniature scaled set. i'm screaming and crying, pacing the floor a little, then start to think that this probably doesn't look real so I start to laugh in my crying and somehow make an inside joke with guiliani, go back to crying when i turn and face the hero. i wake up and it was a bad dream. i don't like bad dreams, i know that they're not just synapses defragging themselves for more space. this one wasn't, even with the special cameo by what's his name, (and yes i do think that that's embarrassing) or the fact that the hero was very definitely some youngish movie star that became popular over the summer, (yes also embarrassing) or that once you realize who you're talking to and tell them/it to go away, that they will/have to. that they've been to you in dreams before and only now i'm thinking that i wish to fuck i kept a diary when i was younger that i now had access to 'cause then i'd be able to see what set that off then. to see what set off my allergic reaction that summer like the one i had back in may of this year. was it really the same year i had to watch my brother's best friend yell in front of everyone in the apartment complex at the guy who ... to our youngest brother while the cops came to arrest him, that i watched this knowing that brother's best friend had done practically the same thing to me for the past 2 or three years, and i didn't say anything. and my mom's boyfriend starting...fuuuuucking a, doing what he started doing to me around the same time. was it that summer that i started one day to suddenly just break out in hives all over my legs and panics in the middle of the night, that only went away with benadryl after about a week? about exact same as what i got caught with in may of this year, after all the stress that built up.

wow that last part had nothing to do with the dream i got out of 45 minutes ago. well, oh well. needed to be said. if i may be a total recluse in real life I guess at least this is something.

but now i'm curious as to when i first started having dreams like the one i just had. i remember what it was. standing around what was basically train tracks, and someone who looks like a guy from school is saying something to me. and i get really scared, but just tell him No. and that he has to go away. i didn't look up to see what i already knew, that he was gone. i didn't have the guts to look up at him either, 'cause that would have meant Really Bad Thing.

i know i've had other dreams like that later on, 'cause that's probably the only way i can remember the first one. this was similar to those. and has been so long, only after, after making an honest attempt to rid myself of the mental sin i've been in; though i hate to say "making an honest attempt" 'cause i think it's more like finally realizing that it isn't pleasing to God to fill my head with the notions (no, not notions of that, gosh i roll my eyes at you) and that i've been doing it ...geez since i was first a loner which would be...four years old? ever since i've been aware of being wronged i'd in my loneliness fill all of my free time in either rehashing what happened over in my head, supplanted with what i should have done, what i could have done, and then practicing in my head what i'll do in x situation, in x conversation. everything else is satellite to myself and what i'm doing, down to imagining my shoes.

everyone else does it? okay, fine. i'm not in everyone else's head, so ...whatever. and i kinda don't think it's the same. ha. as if i have a reference.

so anyway, it's sometime last week that i first realize that the level of such is not good, and a sin, and since then it's been...on my mind to stop it. on my mind as a struggle. that, it's just substituting something else. if i really want to talk to Him (hahaha not Him-Him, just another person i haven't named here and am too sleepy to try to make a name up, certainly not one i'll remember) then i should stop doing it in my head and rationalizing my feelings and actions and beliefs mentally, i should maybe try real life. and then i get such 'characters' in my sleep. well, haven't been able to fall asleep at all for about an hour or so, anyway.

*pulls fallen-out strand of hair off arm, onto trash can next to me* and now i am totally convinced that waking up in the middle of the night is bad for my hair. пока.